Romesh Ranganathan: I’m rubbish at sport – and now I’ve got to do keepy-uppies with Freddie Flintoff

On A League Of Their Own, I’m always terrified I’ll get the ball and accidentally kill someone in the audience

I was terrible at sport at school. I was fat, which made things slightly tougher, but it also meant that people were encouraging to the point of patronising. If I managed to complete the 100m race on sports day without asking for a biscuit, the teachers would hug me and say, “See? I knew you could do it!” I once managed to negotiate a two-metre head start with a teacher purely on the grounds of being fat. He agreed, which in itself was fairly damaging, but not as damaging as the fact that I still came last. It was like a greyhound race where the greyhounds overtake the hare instantly, and then the fat hare cries to his parents so they take him to Happy Eater for pancakes.

Far worse than being fat, however, was – and still is – my lack of coordination. I have zero. I can’t catch, I can’t kick, I can’t hit a ball. Every one of my PE school reports said things along the lines of “Manages to deal admirably with being completely and utterly uncoordinated.”

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